A New Use for Spam

Folks, a recent letter about Cialis from one Junior Maxwell gave me a brain fart. Much has been said about the random language poetry of spam, but what about the sender's names? I sometimes beat my head against the desk trying to think of the perfect names for my fictional characters. But I have a beautiful source, right under my nose. My spam folder! Why look in the phone book? When life gives you spam, make spaminade!

Here are a few choice monikers from a recent delete session: Earline Nix! Dewitt Trotter! Jeremiah Hill! Darlene Flood! Heriberto Griggs! Jewell Estes! Lenora Brewster! Robin Flowers! Hector Ash! Elmo King!

My imagination has no problem picturing these people, who probably never intended to send me mail. Lenora Brewster is a church lady. She has never been married, and doesn't fully want to, speaks in tongues, and loves praising the Lord. Dewitt Trotter is a greying white guy who wears only red ties and has no idea his daughter is dating Heriberto Griggs. Hector Ash is a computer programmer who comments his code with silly secret notes to his colleagues, like, 'wish we were in Hawaii, but we're not. How soon is lunch?' Darlene Flood has been struggling with weight her whole life, and is now trying South Beach for the first time. The divorce has been helping. Elmo King sells used cars in Texas, but dreams of becoming a full-time magician. Robin Flowers is a porn actress, of course, and is considering another surgical enhancement. Earline Nix is a psychic, and her son in law, Jeremiah Hill, thinks she should be put away. And Jewell Estes is a photojournalist, naturally.

Are they Googling themselves into this blog post? If so, I apologize to the folks above. But that won't keep me from using their names.

Thank you, spammers! You will now be committed to the realm of fiction.